Tone

The main problem I have (and most people have, I assume) about how to discuss death with children is that I don’t have any easy way out. Neither did my mum. My parents ‘let’ me believe in heaven when I was very little (I remember believing it at one point, and being scared of hell, and that’s about when I decided a God who would invent hell didn’t sound like much of a humanist, and I lost most of my interest in organised religion. I was about six years old.) even though we weren’t Christians and didn’t go to church – although I do remember a Sunday class or two. Anyway, the answer my mum gave me was ‘real’ eg: no one know what happens. Now, I had a bit of a complex about death for a while, when I was about 6-7-8. Then I got over it. Then when I turned 12 a close school friend died which blew up my mum’s insistence “When you die you’ll be a little old lady with a lovely dog, (I loved dogs) who has lived a wonderful, long, and full life.” So I got another complex. I still wear a lot of black.

That could have been something that I felt whether or not mum had said ‘no one knows’, but I did feel very jealous of people who were bought up religious, who had faith in an afterlife. Possibly a very nice afterlife. Even if there were rules they had to follow. Do I just tell my future kids that reincarnation is the truth? Do I let them believe in heaven when they are little? It seems to close the subject satisfactorily for them. (But also seems a bit of a cop out when they’re older in a more advanced developmental stage). But what about hell? That’s kind of traumatising for a kid to believe I think. Maybe a buddhist karma kind of heaven. Or do I tell them what Arieh and I *really* believe? Our ‘Truth’: there’s nothing. We do differ on this view a little bit: Arieh think’s there’s nothing. Just extinction. I believe the same thing but HOPE SO GODDAM MUCH THAT IT’S NOT TRUE. [Post Script: Does this mean I have hope, but not faith?]

Do I tell my kids that? That ‘no one knows but I hope’? Mum didn’t say she hoped. Maybe that’s important? Or is that just sadder – then I give my kids a lifetime of uncertainty and faith in the shakiest thing. Although that’s what all faith is really I suppose. But some people take their faith for granted more than others I think – there are some people who, for most of their life, will tell you their faith is unshakeable. I mean, even I had a default faith from society and religion instruction and school: although intellectually I knew heaven and hell didn’t exist and they didn’t bother me, it was only in my early 20s that I really realised I didn’t believe in them any more – not as a ‘this doesn’t seem true’ but ‘this is definitely not true’. Probably when I got more into eastern religions and realised that growing up never hearing about christianity pretty much proves the christian hell and heaven don’t exist. But you also have to remember that the driving force behind nearly every religion is not just a code for living, but the promise of an afterlife. Maybe there is an afterlife but we have different views of it? (Like everything)

Anyway – back to the point. Here is an excerpt from a website:

“Where we have doubts, an honest, “I just don’t know the answer to that one,” may be more comforting than an explanation which we don’t quite believe. Children usually sense our doubts. White lies, no matter how well intended, can create uneasiness and distrust. Besides, sooner, or later, our children will learn that we are not all knowing, and maybe we can make that discovery easier for them if we calmly and matter-of-factly tell them we don’t have all the answers. Our non-defensive and accepting attitude may help them feel better about not knowing everything also.”

From: http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html

Hmmm. You know what? Mum giving that answer just wasn’t that comforting AT ALL. Her accepting attitude drove me, an intense little thing, freaking nuts in my life. I really would have preferred for her to say oh, there’s a heaven. Or reincarnation. Or SOMETHING. Even if it’s ‘I don’t know….but I think it might be such-and-such.’ That’s a step up from ‘I don’t know’ and also ‘I don’t know but I HOPE there’s something’.